1) People Tweeting About Mad Men
As one of the most anticipated television returns of past two years, I can assure you, if we cared that we would have watched it.
2) Your Voice
I don't know what sort of hairless creature you tried to swallow and gave up half way through, but I would like to see that species extinct.
Not the state, but the people that live there.
4) That Microwaved Food
I brought my lunch, which I will have to microwave, but your Lean Cuisine shit is shit. I'm fairly certain that it has no redeemable taste, and thus I am compelled to imagine scrapping all your taste buds off your tongue with a zester.
5) TV Commercials
You're way too fucking loud.
If I wanted to be red and puffy eyed, I'd get high. At least then I could eat a bunch of cheese.
7) That Way-Too Cheesy Soup I Ate
About half a second before I ordered you, I knew I would regret it. But you were the only vegetarian option at the soup shop I had convinced myself I should walk across the street for. What the fuck. I ate you on Thursday and I'm still gassy on Monday. What devil anus did you leak from?
Well, Matt was right. I feel a ton better. I mean, my allergies are still flaring up, I'm still gassy, I think I may vomit due to the smell in the kitchen and my ears are bleeding-- but emotionally I'm totally satisfied.