Fat, Coffee Drinking, Ignorant Moron

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Yesterday, I was riding my bicycle down Elliott, across Broad Street. I was minding my own business, thinking about how I had to go home and do laundry, whether I should separate the towels or not and how many dryers I'd have to use.

It was about the south cross walk when all of a sudden a huge GMC Suburban driven by a fat guy cuts me off with about a foot to spare. Keep in mind, I'm on a two wheeled, personally powered, vehicle weighing in at maybe three pounds. So, of course, I flip him off; after all, he did just try to mow me down. He sends the 'bird' right back at me, requiring me to pick up the peddling power and let him know what his momma obviously didn't: "Don't be a small dicked prick."

As I pull up to his mini tanker truck, I let him know that I'm on two wheels and his maneuvering is a little ridiculous. I did say this pretty calmly and diplomatically, as he was big enough to crush me like an aluminum can. Luckily for both of us, he made sure that I could only see him in his tiny side mirror.

After I deftly pointed out the number of wheels on my vehicle, the man-twat instructed me to get off the road.

So here we have an over-sized man recklessly driving an over-sized car telling me to get off his road. Being the calm, cool headed person I am, I educated him that bicycles and those that operate them actually do have an equal right to be on the road. His retort was a cup of luke warm coffee tossed (like a girl, for the record) at my face.

Before the coffee had reached me, I was shouting at him to pull the fuck over to share a conversation. I'm not sure if it was my wiry frame, my sweet bicycle, the fire in my eyes, or me calling him "Big Man" but he quickly raced off in a manner that would make his father proud to call him "son."

So, a quick little lesson for all you fat fucks driving fat fuck cars, using your fat fuck brains to reason you own the whole fat fuck world: I will ask to have a conversation with you if you have the nerve to throw coffee at me. It would be nice if you would oblige.

Thank you.

Moral of the Story: don't throw cheap coffee at me on the street; it just says to everyone you're a child.